Valentine’s Day

Not long until Valentine’s Day, and you know what that means!

It’s a great time to gather the salty tears of single people and store them in mason jars in your basement. They’re good for getting out red wine stains and they’re a delicious alternative salad dressing.

Other than the great tear-harvest, my special lady and I will likely follow our usual V-Day tradition: We’ll spend all day composing a wordless, kazoo-based piece of performance art inspired by our relationship, then perform it again and again in rapid-fire repetitions into the small hours of the morning.

Finally, after treating our kazoo-swollen lips with fresh lonely-juice (tears of the unloved), we’ll collapse into our traditional Valentine bower made from fresh hewn Cyprus shavings and old copies of Mad Magazine.

It’s not exactly “fancy,” but it’s the little things that keep the magic alive in a relationship.


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